Now you know, in an economy like today…where it’s getting more and more scary to invest or to make large purchases. And where worries about job retention abound.
Seeing this makes me feel a little more able to sleep at night…
It started off this morning with W’s admittance to the ER due to his left leg failing to function properly. It seems he may have a pinched nerve…he’s been aggravating an old injury over and over again the last few weeks. I really wish he’d cut that out. As it is, he’s not doing much of anything right now – other than being doped to the gills on pain killers, muscle relaxers and steroids.
Then, I get back to work in time for a meeting that was no joy. Our groups is now down three people. Two from layoffs and one from a voluntary resignation. The old fear that keeps coming back up…that I’m going to be hit with a layoff yet again.
And with W unable to work…the fear is even higher. I am so stressed it’s surreal. With the economy the way it is, who knows what tomorrow will bring…and I don’t do well with instability in my financial life. Ok, ok – with any aspect of my life.
I enjoy helping figure out bugs and such – like why a ticker is a day off on a website; but, spot on with a executable file. But, sometimes, debugging can be a lot more headache than it’s worth. There’s a site I’ve been helping with that has a margin that keeps shifting by five pixels when you transfer from one page to another. I can’t figure out what the trigger is, nor can I figure out any way of making it stop shifting. I’m tempted to just toss my hands up and leave it well enough alone – but, I know it will bug me to no end if I don’t find the problem.
Anyway – this project is hexxing me. Well, it’s actually the dominoe effect of the earlier project running over. The previous project ran over by three weeks, which puts me three weeks into this current project’s schedule…so I start this project three weeks behind. Lovely, eh?
So far – knock wood – it’s going well. Except that I can’t find anything that helps me verify that the driver that is loading is the correct version of the driver. I mean, if I test this whole thing, only to find I’m testing on the wrong version of the driver…well…it won’t be pretty.
I made a decision recently that has hurt someone I care about a lot. I love them quite a bit, actually. I’ve never met them in person – but, when we were able to talk and spend time with each other, it was good. It made me happy and I looked forward to it. Then things started happening and they would disappear for weeks, sometimes more than a month, and then pop back up. It became real hit or miss on if I’d get to talk to them at all. I had offered to bring them out for a visit (before I had something come up to drain all my reserves) and I really wanted it. I wanted to meet them and see if we’d get along as well in person as we did electronically. If they were as real and wonderful in person – so many can fake themselves so well online, you know? But, life kept happening and kept happening…and eventually it was to the point of – keep waiting indefinitely while life keeps happening…or let go.
It was a hard decision to make and one that, well, hurt. It hurt me to let go – and, I know beyond any need to guess that I hurt him in doing so. I find myself wondering from time to time if it was one of those “almost good” decisions my dad has said I make. I miss talking to him. I miss the times we talked late into the night (early into the morning). I miss laughing and playing games with him. But, we hadn’t done much of that for quite some time prior to this decision. Life, that pesky thing, kept cropping up and interfering. Not going to get into it all here. Just a whole lot of things continuing to happen that were weighed in with my choices.
And, hard as they were to make, and as sad as I am about it – I hope it was the right choice. Because if it wasn’t – I hurt a man I care about very deeply for no reason. And the thought that that might even remotely be the case has me in tears. Why can’t things in life just be crystal clear and easy? Why are the important decisions generally so muddled and convoluted? Even if the core of it is clear, there are often so many things around it that ebb and flow that connect and twist all around it…*sighs*
Anyway – enough of my maudlin self. It doesn’t matter. No matter what tomorrow brings, my decision was already relayed and – a treasured person is no longer a part of my life. I can’t blame him. I wouldn’t like me very much if I were him, either.
