Schrodinger's Kittie

Twelve years and five months ago a very special friend came into my life.  He was so small that he fit into the palm of my hand easily.  He was so fluffy his eyes were just two tiny spots of black brightness in a ball of fur.  From the moment he came into my life, he was a special, intelligent and loving friend.  He learned quickly and loved unconditionally.  And, six months later, when my ex refused to let me take him with me when we broke up – this little bundle of love made my ex’s life a living hell until he called and had me come pick him up.  From that moment on, my bundle of mischief earned his name, Loki.

My life has had its shares of ups and downs, like any life.  There have been jobs that have come and gone.  Friends have come and gone.  Relationships have come and gone.  My residence has changed so many times I’ve lost count, and everything I’ve owned has cycled through my hands to the point that I don’t have much of anything that has lasted longer than 5 years.

My son has spent as much time away from me as with me.  Let’s not comment on your particular opinion of me as a mother because of that.  The reasons were sound and seemed for the best with the information available at the time.  My parents are constant and true – but, they aren’t with me … they are there for me.  They love me and cherish me; but, they are a continent away…sometimes farther than that.  My sister and her family and all the rest of my family (Gordon and Debbie included) are wonderful, loving and just bless me completely.  But, they aren’t here.  The one, solid constant I’ve had in my life for the last 12 years – longer than anything else in my life – has been my friend, Loki.

His heart was bigger than this solar system.  No one who ever met him could help themselves – even those who hated dogs – they would inevitably fall prey to his precious soul.  You’d find people who claim to be anti-dog slipping their hands down to pet him.  And, random people on the street couldn’t help but just fall in love with him.  I lost count of how many said they wanted him to go home with them (even my sister).  He just had a presence about him that reached out and touched you where you hurt most, and made it all ok.

And, not just with people.  He helped me reach out and touch the lives of many animal rescues through the course of his life.  So many that needed social rehabilitation, or reassurance that not all of life is meant to be spent at the end of a human’s cruelty.  When I brought Bartleby home broken and wounded, Loki did more to help him come around than I ever could.  His simple presence that just accepted and gave, without going past Bartleby’s comfort zone, made it possible for that broken and wounded dog to become the sweet and loving and happy dog that he was.  And, when Valkyrie needed a home, again, he accepted her and brought her out of her shivering, cowering shell and showed her that even though small, she could be fierce and happy.

And me…well…what I told my father says it best:

He pulled me through nights that I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to pull through.  He is the reason I had for getting up in the morning, making it through the day and just taking care of myself.  Because he relied on me, he needed me, he trusted me to take care of him and he loved me – even when I fell down on the job.  It didn’t matter one whit to him…I was still “mama” and he loved me anyway.

He was happy and full of life.  Even on the day he passed away, he was bouncing and playing ball and convinced he was 10 years younger than he actually was.  He quickly faded, though.  By the time midnight rolled around he was in serious cardiac distress.  We rushed him to the emergency room where they said that his heart was failing due to congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema with a very bad heart murmur.   After much discussion (re: arguing), crying, wailing and otherwise denying that he wasn’t going to be living through the night, we made the decision to have him put down.  I refused to let them do it without me present.  He was there for me through all the hard times in my life.  It was only right that I be there when he slipped this mortal coil.  The vet brought him in to the room where I snuggled with him for a little while and committed to my mind the feel of his fur between my hands and the trust and love pouring out from him as he leaned into me.  Eventually, I gave in and let the vet do his job.  And, I held my dear, dear friend as he breathed his last breath, my heart breaking.

I will never forget my dear friend.  He will always be writ deep upon my heart and the hearts of all who had the joy of ever meeting him – human and animal alike.  We will never be the same, forever changed for the better, because of his gentle, loving presence. He blessed this world by being in it.  I only hope I blessed his life by being his human.  

Today is a day that I do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Six years ago, an abused, hurting and scared dog came into my life.  Long haired, snaggle toothed, the little guy we consistently called the “king of pitiful” made his entrance and my life has never been the same since.  There were many times at first that I wasn’t sure it would work out.  He had so many wounds.  At any loud noise he would cower away.  He never did become one to bark.  I can count the number of times he’s barked in the six years I’ve had him on one hand.  It took forever to get him house trained because the people who had him before me had kept him caged up so long and so often that he learned to do his business wherever he was instead of anything else.  His jaw had been broken.  His teeth rotted out and we had to pull all but his canines.  He growled and tried to hide if anyone (including me or Loki) would come near him.

And, yet, as time went on, he blossomed.  Oh, he never became a dog that would do tricks or anything.  But, he had his moments where he would bounce through the house.  And, because it was so out of character for him, when he did it you couldn’t help but laugh.  He would tear through the house to come find me and then drop his front end down with his butt in the air and tail just wagging.  Then pounce forward a little bit and just – play.  Bart’s version of play has always been milder than Loki’s or Valkyrie’s.  But to see that come out in a pup that had been so beaten down for so long – it was wonderful.

He was never one that people would necessarily be drawn to for his antics – but, he had a quiet charm that suckered you in.  He loved to lay beside you and watch movies while you brushed him.  And, as long as he was near me, as long as he could see me – he was happy.  He was one of the most undemanding and most loving dogs I’ve every known.

And, I have to say goodbye to him today.

He’s given up and decided it’s time to to walk around somewhere else where he won’t hurt when he walks, where he can eat with all his teeth and he can bounce and play like he hasn’t really been able to, here.  I’m going to miss him.  He stopped eating two weeks ago, and I tried everything I could think of to interest him.  Twice he formed some interest and would eat the tiniest bit from my hand; but, not enough.  As hard as it is to do, it’s what he wants.  Dogs know these things.  They know when it’s time to go – and, Bart’s decided it is his time.  I can’t keep him here when he’s starving and ready to go.  But, the selfish part of myself…the little girl who still sits there deep inside…wants to grab him up and hold on and never let go.

My dogs have been my constants in life.  My jobs, my boyfriends, my homes, my furniture, my cars, my computers – they all change.  My friends come and go.  My son and my family – as much as I absolutely adore and love them (and not a one of them doubts on that score) – are all constants…but, they are distant constants.  Constants that I have to pick up the phone and call or sit at a computer and write.  It’s my dogs that have been there when my world has fallen apart.  My dogs that curl up around me and make me feel loved when I feel unlovable.  My dogs that have helped me make it through nights I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to make it through.

And, now it’s time to say goodbye to one of them.  I’ve been blessed to have had him for five years more than they figured I would.  He was in such bad shape when he came to me.  I wouldn’t change a thing in all those years where he’s concerned.  I just wish I could turn off the waterworks.  I keep getting hit randomly by tears and I know it’s driving Mike nuts.  I know they are ‘just dogs’ and logically they die long before us.  I know Bart’s had a great life with me and has been loved and experienced the kind of life he should have had those nine years before he came to me.  I know he never wanted for anything; and, I know it’s time for him to go.  The logical part of my mind is completely on board with the decision, as hard as it is.  It’s the emotional part of my mind – the little girl hidden down there that I don’t let come out to play too often – who is rising up and throwing a fit.  It isn’t that I don’t want to let go – I know it’s time.  It’s just that I’m going to miss him.  The beds that I kept scattered around in the office and bedroom because he always followed me from one room to the other won’t have his quiet self curled up in them anymore.  There won’t be any moments of spastic darting through the house to try and beat me to the room he thinks I’m going to so he can be there waiting for me (a common occurrence).  I’ll miss that.

I know he’s going to a better place and will be healthy and happy and have the ability to have the kind of life he should have had here.  And, I’m happy about that.  But, the selfish part of me needs to indulge a little while in grieving and letting go.  I love this dog…some say you can only “cathect” where dogs are concerned.  I disagree.  They are my family and I adore each one of them.  And, it hurts and makes me sad to have to say goodbye.

Just had to share – two of my “babies” having a good time while I knit and play with friends.

And, just what am I working on, you ask? The Mystery Stole 3. I’m working it in black alpaca fino with dark, dark blue beads. I’m not sure I am happy with the colour combination – but I’m far enough along now that I’m letting it go and we’ll see what we see. *grins*

I also just found out that my favorite cousin is getting ready to have an addition to his family. This puts me into a frenzy of digging through baby patterns. Hey, I have none of my own to knit for, so I gotta have my fun somewhere, right? *chuckles* I think I’ve found the layette set I want to make. Now it’s just getting the yarn and getting started. I’m looking forward to it.