Schrodinger's Kittie

Today is a day that I do one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Six years ago, an abused, hurting and scared dog came into my life.  Long haired, snaggle toothed, the little guy we consistently called the “king of pitiful” made his entrance and my life has never been the same since.  There were many times at first that I wasn’t sure it would work out.  He had so many wounds.  At any loud noise he would cower away.  He never did become one to bark.  I can count the number of times he’s barked in the six years I’ve had him on one hand.  It took forever to get him house trained because the people who had him before me had kept him caged up so long and so often that he learned to do his business wherever he was instead of anything else.  His jaw had been broken.  His teeth rotted out and we had to pull all but his canines.  He growled and tried to hide if anyone (including me or Loki) would come near him.

And, yet, as time went on, he blossomed.  Oh, he never became a dog that would do tricks or anything.  But, he had his moments where he would bounce through the house.  And, because it was so out of character for him, when he did it you couldn’t help but laugh.  He would tear through the house to come find me and then drop his front end down with his butt in the air and tail just wagging.  Then pounce forward a little bit and just – play.  Bart’s version of play has always been milder than Loki’s or Valkyrie’s.  But to see that come out in a pup that had been so beaten down for so long – it was wonderful.

He was never one that people would necessarily be drawn to for his antics – but, he had a quiet charm that suckered you in.  He loved to lay beside you and watch movies while you brushed him.  And, as long as he was near me, as long as he could see me – he was happy.  He was one of the most undemanding and most loving dogs I’ve every known.

And, I have to say goodbye to him today.

He’s given up and decided it’s time to to walk around somewhere else where he won’t hurt when he walks, where he can eat with all his teeth and he can bounce and play like he hasn’t really been able to, here.  I’m going to miss him.  He stopped eating two weeks ago, and I tried everything I could think of to interest him.  Twice he formed some interest and would eat the tiniest bit from my hand; but, not enough.  As hard as it is to do, it’s what he wants.  Dogs know these things.  They know when it’s time to go – and, Bart’s decided it is his time.  I can’t keep him here when he’s starving and ready to go.  But, the selfish part of myself…the little girl who still sits there deep inside…wants to grab him up and hold on and never let go.

My dogs have been my constants in life.  My jobs, my boyfriends, my homes, my furniture, my cars, my computers – they all change.  My friends come and go.  My son and my family – as much as I absolutely adore and love them (and not a one of them doubts on that score) – are all constants…but, they are distant constants.  Constants that I have to pick up the phone and call or sit at a computer and write.  It’s my dogs that have been there when my world has fallen apart.  My dogs that curl up around me and make me feel loved when I feel unlovable.  My dogs that have helped me make it through nights I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to make it through.

And, now it’s time to say goodbye to one of them.  I’ve been blessed to have had him for five years more than they figured I would.  He was in such bad shape when he came to me.  I wouldn’t change a thing in all those years where he’s concerned.  I just wish I could turn off the waterworks.  I keep getting hit randomly by tears and I know it’s driving Mike nuts.  I know they are ‘just dogs’ and logically they die long before us.  I know Bart’s had a great life with me and has been loved and experienced the kind of life he should have had those nine years before he came to me.  I know he never wanted for anything; and, I know it’s time for him to go.  The logical part of my mind is completely on board with the decision, as hard as it is.  It’s the emotional part of my mind – the little girl hidden down there that I don’t let come out to play too often – who is rising up and throwing a fit.  It isn’t that I don’t want to let go – I know it’s time.  It’s just that I’m going to miss him.  The beds that I kept scattered around in the office and bedroom because he always followed me from one room to the other won’t have his quiet self curled up in them anymore.  There won’t be any moments of spastic darting through the house to try and beat me to the room he thinks I’m going to so he can be there waiting for me (a common occurrence).  I’ll miss that.

I know he’s going to a better place and will be healthy and happy and have the ability to have the kind of life he should have had here.  And, I’m happy about that.  But, the selfish part of me needs to indulge a little while in grieving and letting go.  I love this dog…some say you can only “cathect” where dogs are concerned.  I disagree.  They are my family and I adore each one of them.  And, it hurts and makes me sad to have to say goodbye.

I have had a couple of friends going through really hard times in their relationships, right now. A couple in positions that just can’t be fixed. Terminal as it were. But…there are others who are bickering with each other, ignoring the others needs, and just basically finding any reason to be cranky with each other. The sad thing is, when I ask them point blank when they last went on a date with their partner…I get a blank stare or “What the hell? We do stuff together all the time!” At which point I want to bang my head into a convenient brick wall. When I try to get through to them the difference between “doing stuff” and “dating”…more blank stares. Seriously, if this is how the majority of relationships are handled (and, I have to admit many of mine were in the past) then it’s no wonder that so few actually survive any length of time.

Between lack of communication and lack of dating — well, how is a relationship supposed to thrive? You need the communication — lots and lots of people already know this and they focus on it. Even to the point of having a mantra that says “communicate, communicate, communicate”. And, communication is all well and good. It’s certainly a key ingredient in a healthy and long lasting relationship. Trust, honesty, communication…love…all necessities. Absolutely. I don’t disagree in the least. But, in addition to that, you have to feed the spark that makes that relationship thrive. I think at one point I listed trust as the cornerstone, communication the foundation and love the actual building itself. Yet, that is just the framework…what makes it home? What makes it a place you desire to come back to time and again? A place that fills you with joy and peace and happiness? What makes you “in love” with it? You have to take time to make it home.

I keep hearing “well, the kids come first”. You know, that’s so sad. Oh, dear Lord, I can hear the squealing all the way over here. Seriously, stop for a moment. Calm down and let’s get rational. I grew up knowing I was not THE most important thing in my parents lives. My mother was the most important thing to my father – and, vice versa. Let me tell you something, there is no more wonderful thing for a child to know than that their parents are crazy in love with each other. Oh, Julia and I were right on Mom’s coattails — it’s not like we were way down the list or that we didn’t matter. I don’t think Julia ever felt less because she knew Mom came first. I know I never did. As a matter of fact, the solidarity of my parents, the love they shared, the passion for each other, the romance they worked so hard to keep alive…all of that was a recipe for a family unit of which I think the world could use many more.

Oh, I’m a horrible failure at relationships. I freely acknowledge I’ve chosen some real winners…and, the few who actually were good guys – well, I managed to screw those up all on my own quite handily. Yet, with every screw up. With every knock down and set back…I learned. I grew. I dusted myself off, notated my mistake, and figured out how to avoid the same one in the future. I can honestly say that I’ve never had the same mistake twice. That’s a good thing. It’s also helped me to be able to understand where people are coming from in ways I never would have been able to if I had stepped right into a solid relationship like my sister has. Don’t get me wrong — I envy my sister sometimes. Marrying her highschool sweetheart, having a great marriage (which has taken a lot of hard work on their part) and not having to go through the pain and weariness that I have experienced. At the same time, I can’t say I’d do anything different because it’s brought me to where I am — and, where I am allows me to be there for my friends and others in a way I could not have been able to do otherwise.

What’s that have to do with anything? Well, I’m not writing this as an expert on what works. I’m writing it as an expert on what doesn’t work — and, an observer on what does. My parents were seriously on to something when they told me and my sister to never, ever stop dating. These are parents who understood that one of the most precious gifts we can give our children is a home where the parents love, admire, respect and are passionately in love with each other — where their partner comes first because it is the healthiest thing for the family…and, they love their children enough to know that a secure home, a loving home, a home in one accord is the most nurturing thing a parental unit can provide. Regardless of income, regardless of the clothes they wear, regardless of the gadgets and anything else…to have a solid, firm foundation to run to — a core that is solid and united…it’s a priceless gift that I wish we could all give to our children.

I am blessed enough that my son is a beautiful soul and he and I have a great love for each other. He’s the most precious thing in my life — the best thing I’ve ever done with my life…and, he knows I feel that way. We have had some tough times because of poor decisions on my part, and miscommunication between us. But, over the years, we have found a way to overcome. My sister, on the other hand, has been a beacon of hope to me that parents and families do stand a chance of giving that wonderful gift to their kids.

My friends that I’ve been talking to lately…well, I hope they realize soon, what they are taking away from not only themselves, but their children. If they continue to focus on their children at the expense of their partners (and they are good relationships, and good people)…their relationships are going to die…and one of the things those children count on and rely on and are so drawn to (not all are actually their children, but some neighborhood kids that need a loving place to come)…that precious core that draws those children to it like bees to honey is going to disintegrate. And everyone will be the poorer for it.

I’m not saying that they should be putting each other in a place that neglects the children or their needs. I hope those reading this see that what I am saying is that you have to foster a healthy relationship with your partner if you want your children to have a healthy home. For those of us who are bringing in a partner after the children are here — it’s a much slower process. But, once that person is the partner you choose to share your life with…they need to be number one on your list (within reason – we aren’t talking extremes here). They need to be someone you form a solid, supportive core around which the rest of the world exists. A core that draws people to you and makes them say, “Dude, I want some of that.”

I would set my parents out as an example of a heck of a lot of hard work and effort at perfecting that line to walk of putting your partner first and yet never neglecting your kids or making them feel anything less than the precious gift they are. My folks would say that a lot of it is due to God’s grace as well — but, I know it couldn’t have been done without a heck of a lot of effort on their part. They don’t just “do stuff” together – though they do. They take the time to “date”. They take the time to remind each other how precious and wonderful and blessed they feel to be a part of each others’ lives.

I wish each and every one of my friends the joy of that. The peace that comes to their children when the kids see their parents with the person they love and are in love with — and, can almost physically feel the love and admiration their parents feel for each other just by being around them. The joy and happiness that comes when they find a partner who is willing to work hard to keep that little building with the cornerstone of trust and the foundation of communication – that home that love built — shining bright and warm with the passion and romance of a lifetime…no matter what storms may rage in the world outside.

© Kili Land 2010

So, when my son was very little, he used to sit and watch the PBS show on Differential Equations.  By little, I mean around 3 or 4 years old.  He was fascinated by the show and would throw a fit if I changed the channel.  Yet, in his early years, he struggled mightily with basic arithmetic.  Mathematics seemed to be no problem; but, you give him simple addition or multiplication and he would stumble all over himself.

I kept telling him to not worry about it.  That at some point in the not too distant future, the logic and patterns of basic arithmetic would click for him and he’d be off and running.  He just had to find the rhythm and the pattern; and, I had no doubt he would do so in his own time.

Well, it seems his time has come.  Here is an update from his gran – and I can honestly say, I’m so very proud of my boy.  Not just for this – but, for all he’s overcome in life and how absolutely beautiful his heart remains.

Many of you know that math was more than a challenge for Jason in earlier years.  He grasped higher math concepts…like say, Quantum theory, but really struggled with the basics functions.  We are very proud of him for his hard work! [...] You can tell by the results that he did a superb job in guiding himself through the first basic course.  (The first course is designed to span a year of math work, which he completed in just over six months with lots of vacation time included).

Congratulations, Jason!  You do great work.

Granny

Place Values
Place Values of six digit numbers                        100%
Specific Place Values                                                100%
Place Values – Expanded Form                              100%
Identifying Place Values                                         100%        
Specific Place Values                                                100%
Comparing and Ordering Numbers
Comparing Six Digit Numbers                               100%
Ordering Six Digit Numbers                                   100%
Comparing Numbers through Millions                100%
Ordering Seven Digit Numbers                              100%
Compare Fractions and Decimals                           100%
Ordering Decimals                                                      100%
Compare Integers I                                                      100%
Compare Integers II                                                     100%        
Compare IntegersIII                                                     100%